Choose to Be Kind

Today I watched the movie Wonder for the first time. I know, I know. I'm a little behind the times, as that movie came out last year. But that is beside the point. For those of you who don't know what Wonder is about, let me give you a brief synopsis. It's about a little boy named Auggie who was born with a facial deformity and the experience he has when changing from homeschool to regular school in the 5th grade. To read more about the movie you can click --> Here.

In this movie, Auggie faces the challenges of fitting in and making friends. He is bullied by a particular student who gives him notes that say things like, "We would all be happier if you died." In the movie, a little girl named Summer decides to befriend Auggie and she starts a ripple effect in which more and more students choose to befriend Auggie.

Being a special education teacher, this movie really hit home for me. I thought about many of the students i taught who, while they may not have had a facial deformities, were different in other ways. I thought about the students who struggled to make friends and feel accepted. Even as first and second graders. 

There were even some of my students who I felt weren't completely accepted by thier regular education teachers. And while the teachers were obviously kind to thier faces, they would often complain or say snide comments in passing to me or other teachers. 

Anyway, to get to my point, I thought about that little girl in the movie, Summer. I thought about how she chose to be kind. Even when nobody else was being kind. She chose to be a friend, even though it was hard and not the popular thing to do. She chose to by an outcast and willingly chose the path that would cause her to be made fun of by sitting with this different boy at lunch. And all i could think of was, I hope that Brooklyn will be that girl one day. 

I hope to raise a daughter that knows her worth and her identity so perfectly that she exudes light! And in so doing, knows the worth and true identity of those around her. That when she is presented with a situation where a student who might be different than her is sitting alone at lunch, it's not even a question as to what she should do.  I hope that she will choose to be a friend when no one else does. And chooses to be kind, even when it may be the unpopular choice. 

❤️Choose Kindness❤️

Mommyhood

I have been feeling so overwhelmed with gratitude lately. As Brooklyn continues to get older, she continues to melt my heart and somehow, I grow to love her more every day.

I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, but I had no idea just how much I would love it. It has been, and continues to be my dream job.

But it's so hard.

It's hard waking up every three hours to feed her.

It's hard not being able to just leave the house when I want, because we have to work around nap schedules and feedings.

It's hard not getting the dishes or the laundry done because baby girl won't let me set her down for two seconds.

It's hard being in Target when my baby is screaming because she's hungry and doesn't wait for food.

It's hard trying to feed her in a public place by myself and getting stares and judging looks for breastfeeding, even when i'm covered.

...And that's just the stuff from this month. There's also been:

- The sore nipples
- The stitches in my... nether regions
- The bleeding for 6 weeks
- The hemorrhoids
- The LITERAL most extreme exhaustion i've ever experienced
- The anxiety

...and so much more that I can't remember right now because I was too tired to remember it.

It's a hard job, being a mom. But sometimes I have to convince myself and remind myself that it's a really important one.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I feel tired or overwhelmed, because Silas is SO much busier than me. He's either working, in class, doing HW or bishopbric-ing. So, on the days when I feel too exhausted to do the dishes or the laundry, I feel dumb and like I should be able to do more.

I have to remind myself that I'm literally raising a human. And that it's a really important job! Brooklyn depends on my for literally everything! And sometimes, it's better to just love her and spend time with her than get the dishes done or finish folding the laundry.

I have to remind myself that what i have done so far as a mom has NOT been easy. And I'm dang proud of myself for it!  I have several friends who either just had babies or are expecting soon. And I want to say to them:

Keep on keeping on! That first month is so rough. Your body hurts, you're exhausted from labor and not sleeping in the hospital and now you have a little human who depends on you for everything and who wakes up every two hours at night. You don't know how you're going to do it all. I remember so clearly the feeling of defeat that first week home from the hospital. *Thank goodness my mom was there to help me*.

But Mamas, I promise it gets easier. Your babes will start to sleep longer, Your nipples will become less sensitive and nursing will become much easier. You will get into a routine and feel like a human again, I promise. It might take a few weeks. But you will get there. And in the meantime, use the help people offer and ASK for help if people don't offer it. Accept favors and meals and when people say they will watch your baby while you sleep, take them up on it!

Being a mom is the best job I've ever had. But it's a tough one. I feel like I learn something new everyday about what to do to be a good mom. And sometimes I learn what not to do...

 I'm so glad for the chance i get to stay home with my baby girl. And I hope that i don't take that for granted.

Life with a two month old

As this is a journal of sorts, I thought i would post some of the thoughts I had in the early days and weeks of Brooklyn's life. These are just notes of my phone when i was awake with Brooklyn. For reference, she was born on 7/18/18.

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Current thoughts:

7/21/18 — 7:15 a.m

Right now, I’m just sitting here with baby girl in my arms. It still feels surreal and hard to believe that 1.) she came out of me... and 2.) she is all ours and here to stay!

I’m exhausted. Last night was her first night home with us and it was rough. I didn’t really feel like I was able to sleep at all until about 4 am. And even then, I was just worried about her. I love her so much. And it’s so hard to see her be sad when she wakes in the middle of the night. But it truly amazes me how much love I have for this little human already. She’s so perfect.

I’m also so grateful for Silas. I knew he would be a great dad.... but he has been the most amazing husband any girl could ask for. He has changed more diapers than I have! And he loves this little girl so much. You can see how much he loves her when he holds her. He has helped me in the middle of the night and he encourages me that I’m doing great. (Even though I feel like this is super hard and I don’t know what i will do when my mom leaves.)

4:55 p.m.

I feel like when people say that being a mom is the hardest thing they’ve done, it’s not something you can truly understand until you become one yourself. One of the hardest parts for me so far has just been the worry that comes with the job. I’m constantly thinking about if she’s okay. Asking questions like, “is she too hot? Is she breathing while she’s sleeping? Is she okay on her side while she sleeps? How are her bilirubin levels?" Just literally everything is something to worry about! I felt that way a little bit when I was pregnant, but I have a feeling that is just one of those things that just continues!

7/24/18 — 3:21 a.m.

Right now I’m feeding Brooklyn. It’s actually something I quite enjoy doing. It’s a little painful at times, but it makes me feel pretty connected to her. Today she is 6 days old. It’s crazy that she’s been here with us for 6 days. I can’t believe that she is here to stay. She is so precious and perfect and pure. And I can’t believe that she will grow up! Like she won’t stay this little forever.... which is sad, but also exciting. I am so excited to watch her grow up! 

I have had pretty bad anxiety since she was born. I feel like it’s getting better, but it’s still hard to feel totally restful at night while she’s next to me. I’m always worried that something is wrong or that she needs something. It’s been kind of difficult. Silas gave me a blessing last night though, and i think that helped. 

She’s practically the perfect baby though. Super happy and chill all the time. And sleeps super well! She almost always sleeps 4 or more hours at a time. I wake up more often then that and check on her... bc of my anxiety, but she’s such a good little sleeper. 

She’s also such a good eater! She established a good latch pretty quickly and eats so well! My milk supply has been pretty perfect also. (Well until I screwed it up yesterday... 🤦🏼‍♀️ i pumped to get some excess milk out bc I thought she was done...  but pumped too much. Then she was hungry sooner than I thought and I don’t really feel like I had enough milk the entire night to keep her satisfied...) Breastfeeding is difficult.

I just love her so much.

8/1/18 — 4:04 pm

This week has been tough. Silas had to go to Florida for his internship and won’t be back until Friday. It’s been so hard to have him gone. I am so grateful for his partnership and that we are on the same team!

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I adore this little babe and her grunts! She is the epitome of angelic. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her everyday. It's hard to believe that all I've ever wanted was to be a stay-at-home mom and now here I am with a one-month old baby. I often pinch myself (metaphorically) and have to remind myself that this is real life. I am so happy that this sweet little gal decided to join our family! <3 nbsp="" p="">

It's Almost Baby Time!!!

There are officially 18 days until my due date with Baby Girl G! How is that even possible? It's amazing how quickly the time has flown... and yet I wonder how I'm STILL pregnant and how we don't have a baby yet!

This week I am 37 weeks and feeling larger than life. I feel like I have said several times that I feel like my pregnancy has been relatively easy compared to other women I have talked to... but that doesn't mean that I'm not feeling like I'm extremely ready to get this baby OUT! 

I'm getting pretty excited to meet this little Bean inside of me! It still freaks me out that she just lives in there and that we made her from basically nothing... God is so amazing! I'm excited to hold her in my arms and meet her and see what she looks like! I'm excited for Silas to hold her and develop a relationship with her too. So many things I'm excited for!

I'm also terrified! I don't know how to be a mom!! I don't know what it will be like to wake up every hour to a crying baby who is helpless and depends on my for everything. I'm grateful for the help I'll be receiving from those moms around me who know what they are doing!

37 Weeks Preggo

Did I really survive my first year of teaching?

Ahh! Here we are! It's the last week of school and I only have 2 days left. I can't believe how quickly this year went by. It's amazing how blessed and divine this internship turned out to be. We were able to really save for our baby, AND I was able to get insurance through the school district. Looking back,I know that my professors were inspired to suggest an internship, and although it was really difficult at times and I wanted to just give up, I learned so much.

I have so much respect for teachers. ESPECIALLY special education teachers. They work SO hard and care SO much for so little reward. It really is a thankless job. I really do have a passion for special education and I hope that I can continue to use my training and degree in my future endeavors.

Baby G is doing great! She is just growing and growing! I think she's like her mama and likes her space and I think she is a little peeved at her cramped style right now. Soon Baby Girl, soon. She is constantly moving around and kicking my ribs and trying to stretch out as much as she can. (Especially when i'm trying to sleep). I'm getting so excited to meet her! We have started getting things in order and getting ready to meet our little lady.

The other day, 2 of my friends threw me a baby shower and someone asked me if it was starting to feel real. I don't really think it will feel real until we bring her home from the hospital and I'm sleep deprived, wondering how the heck we got to this point in our lives.

The "nesting" they talk about is hitting me hard these days. All I want to do is CLEAN and ORGANIZE our house. I'm excited to be able to focus full time on getting things ready for Baby G.

It really is hard to imagine life with a baby. I'm excited to be a mom! Terrified... out of my mind... but excited!

32 Weeks

College Grad & 28 Weeks!

I never know what to title my blog posts, so I just decided to title it with how many weeks pregnant I am. #notcreative

Life is just moving along for us! Its hard to believe that I am in my third trimester!! My how time has flown by! I feel like this year has been a bit of a whirlwind. A lot of changes have taken place and I feel like the changes are going to just keep coming!

I officially graduated this past weekend! (Ahhhhh!!) I never thought I would make it. 8 years later, though, and here I am! It was a long and bumpy ride, and I took way to many detours to get here. But, I'm just glad to say that I can now officially call myself a college grad! (shout out to all my friends who actually graduated in 4 years like normal people...)

Even though I graduated this weekend, I still have to finish out my internship. Which ends on May 25! That leaves 4 weeks to wrap up my first year as a teacher. Woop woop! I can hardly believe I made it through this school year alive. I seriously thought I might keel over some days, especially since I have been pregnant. But, thank goodness for the enabling power of the Atonement, because it has given me the STRENGTH to finish this year. I am still so grateful I decided to do the internship instead of student teaching. Even though I probably complained and cried more then I have in my whole life. (Thankful for a patient husband...)

Silas starts his internship this summer at EY (Ernst & Young) in Salt Lake. For those who dont know, it's a large accounting firm in Salt Lake. He will be on their audit team. He's excited to have the "big 4" experience and anxious to determine if this is the route he wants to take. I think he will enjoy himself this summer.

Baby girl is due July 15. And I have no idea if she is going to come early, late, or right on time. I originally thought she would come late, as I was pretty sure they got my due date wrong. However, I recently got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. This can cause a few different things:
- High birthweight
- Premature birth
- High blood sugar of baby or mom

So, now I feel like she could even come early. Who knows.

We are excited for the future though. Lots of fun changes to come! Lot's of big milestones approaching! I feel optimistic about the future!! So, bring it on!

Pregnancy Journey -- 26 Weeks!

I am terrible at writing down how I feel in the moment of things. There have been so many times throughout this pregnancy that I have thought to myself, "I really should write this down". Things like thoughts I might have about the future, or weird sensations that I am experiencing, or even just things I want to simply remember... So here I am trying to make up or lost time.

Here is my Journey thus far!


First Trimester-- Weeks 4- 12

We found out we were pregnant when I was about 4 weeks pregnant (Roughly around the 2nd week of November). It wasn't a surprise. I had been off of birth control for about 4 months and I had even bought an ovulation kit to help the process along. I don't even know why I decided to take a pregnancy test that morning, but I did. I remember thinking there was no way I was pregnant, and this is silly, and I don't know why I am doing this. But sure enough, two pink lines appeared and I couldn't even believe it. The second line was extremely faint... and left me questioning if it was actually a positive pregnancy test. So, I took another one the next day. There wasn't much change in the faintness... so of course I took another one the next day and the line was DARKER! Initially, after the first test I took, I didn't tell Silas because I was afraid I was just being paranoid, but I remember going throughout the day and thinking, I can't just keep this information in my head!!! I am going to explode! So, I called him at the end of my workday and said, "Umm.... I think there's a chance I might be pregnant. But I'm not totally sure because the line wasn't very dark, so I'm going to take another test tomorrow." He was a little taken off guard, because I just kind of word vomited on him. But was happy and not sure totally how to respond because of my unsurety.

Once I took the test on the third day, the line was visibly darker and that's when I conceited that I was actually pregnant. It was very surreal and I couldn't believe it!

Picture of the first pregnancy test. Do you SEE how faint the second line was???

The 3 days of pregnancy tests, ordering chronologically from top to bottom.

We told our immediate families when we were about 6 or 7 weeks along (around Thanksgiving time). They were pretty excited! Especially our siblings.

My experience in my first trimester was pretty mild compared to other pregnancies that I have heard of. I was nauseous pretty much all the time, but as long as I was doing something and keeping myself busy, I didn't notice as much. I threw up probably about once a week, which was actually pretty weird for me because I don't even throw up when I have the flu.

When I was about 12 weeks along, it was Christmas time. We spent Christmas in Disneyland! Which meant that I didn't really get to ride many of the rides... bummer. I mostly remember feeling extremely bloated and my pants were starting to get a bit tight. This is the point that I started using the "hairband extendo-pants" trick (which was an actual lifesaver).

I also got the flu the week we came back from Disneyland. (I was 12 weeks along) That was the worst. Like I said, I don't normally throw up... but me and the toilet became real close those 3 days. It was awful. I spent the entire 3 days in bed and really couldn't keep any food down. It was a great way to end my first trimester... *yuck*

10 weeks pregnant

11 weeks pregnant

Second Trimester-- Weeks 13- Present (week 26)

Again, I feel really lucky. I feel like I have had a relatively easy pregnancy compared to other women. I mean don't get me wrong, I have complained a lot... mostly because I just like to complain. *sorry, not sorry* (insert awkward smiley emoji here)

It's hard to believe how fast the second trimester has flown by! (for those who don't know pregnancy by weeks, the second trimester ends at 27 weeks, or about 6.5 months pregnant.) It felt like I blinked and here we are about to enter the third trimester.

At 19 weeks we went in for our ultrasound to find out what we were having. People would ask me if I wanted a boy or a girl, or if I felt like it was a boy or a girl. For a while I really, really thought it was a boy. Like, I was certain. But then as the ultrasound got closer, I questioned myself and felt like it was a girl.

I obviously would have been thrilled either way, but I think deep down, I was hoping for a girl because as soon as the ultrasound tech told us it was a girl I was ecstatic and just over the moon! Silas was also super excited! We found out on Valentine's Day, which was actually the best thing ever. We went to dinner afterwards and a really special moment I'll never forget was when we were eating dinner, Silas looked up at me and asked, "Do they still have like daddy daughter dances and stuff?" It melted my heart and made me love him more! (If that's even possible...)

I LOVE having this ultrasound picture. Like I love that you can see her little lips and her little nose! It's so cute! And I honestly swoon over it regularly.

 Cutest ultrasound picture you ever did see! <3>

I have to be honest, taking belly pics is not my thing. I always forget and even if I do take them, I struggle to want to post them because I feel like I look the same. I'm just not that great at it! But here are some that I have taken so far.

Both above pics are at 15 weeks. Just a couple days apart.

21 weeks

26 weeks

I feel like other than the ultrasound, the second trimester as been pretty uneventful. I feel Baby Girl kicking quite a bit these days and she has gotten big enough that she has even started to kick my ribs... so that's fun. Also, my abs have started to separate which has been pretty uncomfortable. Sleeping is getting more difficult and sitting up is basically impossible to do on my own. Whenever I gripe or complain, Silas makes sure to remind me that "It's only gonna get worse!"

Thanks.

I have a few different pregnancy apps that I use to keep track of what is going on with my body and hers each week, and I'm always so excited to read about what's developing in her body and how she is growing, and what she is learning to do. In case you wondered, she can now hear sounds and she is able to open her eyes now. She also has hair and is just fattening herself up, getting ready to be born.

Speaking of getting ready to be born... I have recently made the utterly terrifying realization that I am actually going to have to give birth. Like, there is no turning back at this point. People keep telling me that once you hit the last few weeks of pregnancy, the idea of staying pregnant is more terrifying than the giving birth part, so fingers crossed that I feel that way when it comes time.

Even with all the crappy stuff that comes with pregnancy, (and I could literally make a long list) It's also pretty magical. There's something pretty special about growing a little person inside of me that makes my heart glow. The human body is amazing, God is amazing. And I'm so glad that I get to carry this little miracle inside of me. And while I don't look forward to the continued back aches, indigestion and heartburn, etc. I'm grateful for the chance to bond and get to know this little lady in a really special way. 

Change needs to start at home

In the days that have followed the recent Florida school shooting, thoughts and opinions have not stopped swirling around in my head. *Partially because anytime I go on Facebook I am reminded of what happened... and opinions and ideas are shoved down my throat....* But I have restrained from stating my thoughts and opinions because I think Facebook is a dumb place to do that (for me). Most of the things I see on Facebook, I don't take seriously anyway and the people whose opinions I actually care about, I can talk to in person and we can have a real discussion where hiding behind a screen isn't an option. (I learned during the election when I WAS posting my opinions that I didn't like the feeling of being attacked by people who often weren't really my friends anyway.)

Anyway...

But I feel like I need to share my thoughts on this... if not to just appease my own brain from continuously thinking about these things. So before you read any further, just know that this is how i feel. Its not right and it's not wrong. It just is what it is. So if you disagree, that is fine.

Okay.

Ever since I can remember in my life here on this earth, School shootings have been a thing. School Bombings have been a thing. When the Columbine shooting happened, I was 6. It has always been something that has been relevant to my generation.

In school we not only had fire drills, but we also had lock down drills. We had bomb threat drills. I remember one time specifically in high school, we actually had a bomb threat and we spent basically the whole day chilling on the football field. 

I grew up in Idaho. Where hunting is HUGE. Little boys often get BB guns for Christmas at age 6. And then by age 12, they are taking Hunter's Safety and manning their own 22, bringing home their own kills to share with their families.

Guns were normal. Guns were a part of my culture and my redneck hometown. They were just a part of life.

It wasn't until I was older and more educated and opinionated that I realized that guns can actually be a real threat. It didn't occur to me when I was growing up that anyone would take a gun that was used to hunt game and intentionally harm another person. Who would do that? And why?

I am now a special education elementary school teacher. I interact with students in K-6th grade. I see how these students act on a daily basis. I see how they REACT to other students. I know what they think about, how they feel about things, and what they hope to achieve in life. I see what their passions are, both negatively and positively. And I see how the environment around them affects them. You would be shocked at how many 4th grade students are already involved in gang activity. You would not believe how many Kindergarten students are already being bullied by other Kindergarten students. As a teacher, I do my best to teach kindness and understanding and love...

But there is only so much I can do. Teaching kindness and acceptance has to start at home, but in a world where cyber bullying and intolerance is so prevalent... I don't think that happens as often as we would like to believe. We, as adults, hide behind our computers and shame others for what they believe and think on social media. We make mean and demeaning comments when we see something we disagree with, without any hint of warmth in our "online tone". We refuse to try and understand the point of views of others and instead indulge in bullheadedness and use unkind words to express ourselves. 

We forget that our children see our actions and mimic them. They see the way we respond in frustrating situations and the way we treat people when we are upset and how can we blame them? They are simply following the lead of the adults they see in their lives. Then, when they grow up to act the same way, we are surprised and confused.

We live in a world where violent video games are normal. Where killing other people in a video game is the goal. I have a first grade student who loves Call of Duty. He's 6.

We must teach our children the things we wish to teach society. Kindness. Forgiveness. Communication. Acceptance. Love. And all the other good things that we can teach them. That is how we will solve the issue of these mass shootings. That is how we will begin to change the world. 

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." 

I believe that people are inherently good. I believe that most people are doing the best they can with the life and trials they have been given. And we need to recognize that in one another. Yes, it's easy to get frustrated and upset, but how we choose to REACT to those emotions really dictates who we are.

Now.....

I'm not saying that we don't have a gun problem. Those who go on shooting rampages should not own guns and I think there should be a stronger vetting process for who is allowed to purchase and own them. I also think that there is no good reason that a civilian should own a semi-automatic weapon. However, I believe that banning guns is not the answer. The founding fathers gave us the right to bear arms and protect ourselves for a reason. And since when did making things illegal or hard to access make people stop using those things? (i.e. alcohol in the 1920s, or basically any drug)

Simply taking away the 2nd amendment will just leave those who are legally carrying weapons without a way to defend themselves against those whom are illegally carrying them.

Okay. 

Let me say again... You may disagree with everything I said. But I said it, and it's out there and that's how I feel. Basically, if we teach our kids to be good people, and are examples of being good people, they will be good people. 

The End.

Hug a Teacher today...

Life, for the past 6 months, has been hectic, crazy, and full of tears to say the least. In my last post I talked about deciding to take an internship position. And true to that post, it has been one of the hardest things i have done. It reminds me of a mission in that, people say it will be difficult, but you don't actually know how difficult until you are in the middle of it.

However, I don't regret deciding to intern instead of student teach.

I have had my fair share of mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks and sleepless nights and stinky boys, and boogers, and sticky hands (where I wonder if they have even washed their hands this week...) and temper tantrums, and naughty 2nd graders who literally climb the walls and "i can't"s and "i won't's" and days when i would rather rip my hair out then do this another day...

But...

I have also had my fair share of little boy giggles, and practical jokes played on me by 3rd graders, and pictures drawn for me that say, "I love you teacher", and excitement and pride when they finally figure out the 9s multiplication trick after working on it for 2 weeks! And the happiness when they do the same work they they do in their regular ed. classroom and they do it the same as or better than their classmates. The joy of when they read an entire book by themselves or write a sentence on their own. When they help each other and take care of each other, and I catch them doing kind things for their friends and classmates.

It makes it all worth it.

I will NEVER say that teaching easy (And i hope that any non-teacher would never dare say that about teaching). I will also NEVER say that teaching is the funnest job, or the most glamorous job, and most days i think, "they are not paying me enough for this..."

However it is the most rewarding job in the entire universe, and that's a fact.

Hug a teacher today, because chances are they need it. And then ask them to tell you a funny story from their day because chances are even higher that they probably have about 5.