Hug a Teacher today...

Life, for the past 6 months, has been hectic, crazy, and full of tears to say the least. In my last post I talked about deciding to take an internship position. And true to that post, it has been one of the hardest things i have done. It reminds me of a mission in that, people say it will be difficult, but you don't actually know how difficult until you are in the middle of it.

However, I don't regret deciding to intern instead of student teach.

I have had my fair share of mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks and sleepless nights and stinky boys, and boogers, and sticky hands (where I wonder if they have even washed their hands this week...) and temper tantrums, and naughty 2nd graders who literally climb the walls and "i can't"s and "i won't's" and days when i would rather rip my hair out then do this another day...

But...

I have also had my fair share of little boy giggles, and practical jokes played on me by 3rd graders, and pictures drawn for me that say, "I love you teacher", and excitement and pride when they finally figure out the 9s multiplication trick after working on it for 2 weeks! And the happiness when they do the same work they they do in their regular ed. classroom and they do it the same as or better than their classmates. The joy of when they read an entire book by themselves or write a sentence on their own. When they help each other and take care of each other, and I catch them doing kind things for their friends and classmates.

It makes it all worth it.

I will NEVER say that teaching easy (And i hope that any non-teacher would never dare say that about teaching). I will also NEVER say that teaching is the funnest job, or the most glamorous job, and most days i think, "they are not paying me enough for this..."

However it is the most rewarding job in the entire universe, and that's a fact.

Hug a teacher today, because chances are they need it. And then ask them to tell you a funny story from their day because chances are even higher that they probably have about 5.

#adulting

"That simple motto gave me courage. But now if I could change that motto, it would read: 'In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.'" —Elaine S. Dalton

A post shared by Mormon Channel (@mormonchannel) on Jul 18, 2017 at 8:59am PDT

Today, I ran across this quote on instagram. I really do believe that Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives... and this was such a little detail that I knew it had to have come from God.

For these past few weeks I have been trying to decide what to do with my future. Up until a month ago, I had everything planned to do student teaching in the fall and then I would graduate in December. While I have been doing my practicum (pre-student teaching), my professors approached me and asked me to consider doing an internship instead of student teaching.

The biggest difference between student teaching and an internship is the support you receive. With student teaching, you enter into another teachers classroom and are scaffolded in (you observe first, then slowly start teaching classes), you also only do it for a semester. With an internship, you jump into your first year of teaching. YOU are the teacher!! You are contracted with the district and the school and you are expected to know your stuff. It's also a full school year instead of just a semester. Also, then I would graduate in April instead of December. You have a mentor and there is a certain level of support that your mentor will offer you as you learn the ropes, but you're it!

So basically, interning is WAY scarier! For the last 2 weeks I have gone back and forth and back and forth, I have cried, and felt good, and thought NO WAY, and thought for sure! And it seemed like my mind changed every hour. (ask my husband) I cried thinking about doing it, and I cried thinking about not doing it, because i know it's going to be SO. FREAKING. HARD.

And so when i saw this today on my Instagram, it really made me realize that, I CAN DO HARD THINGS! And just like sister Dalton said, "In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things."



Soooo..... with all that being said, today I made the call to Provo Peaks Elementary School and accepted a position as a Mild/Moderate Special Ed. Intern for the 2017-2018 school year!

I'm super excited! Also terrified out of my mind...

#prayforme #firstadultjob #adultingtothemax

eeeeeeeeeek.

Current Events

It's hard to believe that it is already June! I feel like as I have gotten older, time continues to slip away faster and faster. I wanted to update those of you who actually read this to the goings on of our little family.

I am currently in school full time and working part time. It's been a struggle knowing that I am going to have to be enrolled in full time school for the whole summer... I don't think you ever grow out of missing summer vacation. #adulting It's not in vain though, because I do my student teaching in August and I then graduate in December!! (Hip-Hip Hooray!) I can't believe that I am *finally* graduating. I feel like I've been in school forever... and no, I won't be applying to grad schools anytime soon. 

Silas got accepted to Grad School!!! I already made an Instagram post about this, but I'm so excited! These past two semesters of school for Silas have not come easy. But on top of working part time, Silas has worked tirelessly completing group assignments, studying for tests, preparing case presentations, etc. The amount of dedication and diligence that he has put into his school has astounded me and I am so glad that he has seen the fruits of his labors. I'm so proud of his hard work and know that he has so much to look forward to in the not too distant future! 

I won the "Most Obsessed with Her Husband" at my work... and now you know why. #clingywife #whyyousoobsessedwithme?

We also recently returned from a quick trip to New Zealand. My In-Laws invited us to come with them and so we went! It was incredible! *Pictures available on Instagram*

We drove all the way up and down the North Island, and saw many rolling green hills and a lot of sheep. We also visited a black sand beach, and Hobbiton (of course). It was super neat! But, God Bless America! You know?

So, that's pretty much it for us these days! Just a whole lot of school and work. We lead exciting lives. But honestly though, while I generally am complaining about something little. I truly do feel blessed to be where I am. I have an awesome husband who works super hard, awesome family who supports us when we need it most, and great friends who keep us laughing and sane.

My Fear of Rejection

Rejection is probably something that scares me the most. I have always been a people pleaser, ever since I can remember. I have memories when I was in Kindergarten of getting in trouble and having to sit in the corner during reading time. All I wanted was to not be in trouble. I just wanted my teacher to like me. 

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't though. I mean don't get me wrong, I love to make people laugh, and I love to feel important and special and loved... but it's my Kryptonite. I can't tell you how upset it makes me when someone is upset with me, or I am criticized in an unkind way. It's awful. I feel like I am the worst person in the world and all I can think is... "of course they hate (insert idea here), it's terrible for (insert whatever reason here).  On top of that, I often get angry and defensive, and I don't like that side of myself. 

Okay.. why I am telling you this. Sorry, I'll get to the point.

How do I overcome that side of myself? I'm probably going to have children who dislike something that i do and make sure that i know about it. When I am a teacher, I most definitely am going to have parents who disagree with decisions that I make and are openly vocal about it. 

So, how do I let things go? How do I love myself enough to ignore the opinions of others, and only be concerned of the opinion of God? How do I take the words and opinions that others offer me with grace and understanding, but love and respect myself enough to realize that is all they are, words and opinions.

I feel like it's a work in progress, I'm a work in progress. But any words of advice would be greatly appreciated and wonderfully received.

Thanks for listening... or rather, reading. 

"Life is Short, Don't be Lazy"

I recently started (and finished in 3 days) Al Fox Carraway's book More than the Tattooed Mormon. For those of you who don't know who she is, click on the link book title to check out her blog and her story. She's super cool! But we'll come back to her.

Lately, I have felt so stuck.

It's like I'm on a steep hill in roller skates and I'm spinning and spinning my wheels, but I'm not really going anywhere. Maybe up a bit and then down a bit, but for the most part I have pretty much stayed in the same spot. At least that's what i feel like.

I've always struggled to find the motivation to achieve goals. I don't know why. But for some reason, I just... struggle.

I mean I'm super great at having vision!

I want to be more fit! I'm going to exercise everyday!
I'm going to run for 30 minutes and then do a circuit to tone my muscles!
Yeah! 

Then that week ends... and I start making excuses.

I am pretty tired this morning, I think i'll sleep in today.
I have too much to do, so I should just skip a work out, I'll do it tomorrow.

And then before I know it, I've fallen off the bandwagon.

There's always something that ends up dragging me down. Which, in turn, drags my self-esteem and self worth down with it.

This past month or so, the dragging has been harder than usual. I don't really know why or what has caused it, but the awful comments I make about myself in my head when I look in the mirror have gotten worse and worse. I look at my body and compare it to the fit women I see in my life. I think about how much time I sit on the couch and feel like a total blob. I think about the spiritual lessons we have in Relief Society and find myself asking the questions:

Why am I not more spiritual like the amazing women at church? 
Why am I not more willing to serve? I should be more willing to serve...
I should read the scriptures more, go to the temple more, pray more diligently, etc.

And I get overwhelmed with everything I should change about myself. I get so overwhelmed that I just... give up. I stop trying because why try when I know I'm going to fail?

You'd be surprised how often the adversary puts that thought into my mind. But that's the thing. It's the adversary. Those thoughts are not from God.

I emailed my sweet missionary sister this week about my woes and she had such wisdom to share with me. (She's always been much cooler than me and wise beyond her years!) She said, "Progression is like a spiral. And sometimes you're on the downward part of the spiral and it feels like you aren't ever going to get where you want to go, and sometimes you even feel like you're going backwards. But if we just keep moving forward, we will get to where we want to go with our Savior's help."

And she's right! There will always be times that we fall. There will always be times that we feel like we are going backwards instead of forwards. But through it all, aren't we so lucky that we have a Savior to help us back on the right track.

So now you're wondering, Okay, but what does Al Fox Carraway have to do with this? Well, let me tell you. I was reading in her book about change and the quote "Life is short, don't be lazy" really stuck out to me. I think that the Savior is there to help us along the way, but we must first help ourselves. We can't be lazy. The Atonement works best when we are trying our best first, then Christ helps us reach our ultimate potential. And we don't have forever to change! We are given this little bit of time on earth to be tested and tried and given obstacles to overcome and we have to take advantage of that time.

I want to take advantage of that time.

So I'm going to try something new. I want to be held accountable for the goals I make. I want them to be known publicly and for the world to see and ask me about. So if you're reading this, will you help me? Here are my goals:

1. Exercise 3 times a week
2. Read/listen to my scriptures or a conference talk 3 times a week for 15 minutes

I'm starting with 2 goals... and I know they might seem pathetic to you. In fact, it's a little embarrassing when I think who might read this. But I want to change and improve and I have to do that one step at a time.

So please ask me about how my goals are going when you see me! Cheer me on! Keep me accountable. Because I SO want to be better. I SO want to be healthier. I SO want to make my relationship with my Savior stronger, and I know that I have to start small.